Commax's Xanga

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 13:17:49 GMT

Elena is back. The galaxy trembles, for Elena has her sights set on Commax. Before I start this story, I'll give you all a summary of what's gone down since I cut her off. After Commax decided that Elena isn't worth his time, she got knocked up by some dude, had a daughter, took a maternal leave, then came back.

She's been back for like two months. Since then she's been all over the mighty Commax. Every fucking Saturday, this broad asks me to kiss her. And every Saturday I turn her down. But last weekend, Elena made a death wish for sure.

Saturday, she touched my butt. NO ONE TOUCHES COMMAX'S BUTT. Commax does not like people touching his butt. She tried to be real slick and sneaky about it too. She was walking past me while I was on the register. As she was walking, her hand started on my waist, and made its way to my right butt check. My eyes were red.

Sunday she told one of the co-workers that I was her boyfriend. She tried to be real slick and sneaky about it too. I was looking at the schedule for the upcoming week. She just happened to come up to me and start conversating. As with most non-comic book conversations, I just nod and smile. Well I wasn't smiling, but I nodded. Then a co-worker walked right by us as Elena was talking. Elena said to the co-worker "You're interrupting my boyfriend." But she said it in Spanish so I wouldn't know. But I did know. How conveinent that I learned how to say boyfriend/girlfriend in Spanish class that Friday. Sorry Elena, but you're not getting over on Commax. Besides, you're damaged goods anyway.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 16:28:12 GMT

Damn, I tried prank calling again, but this time everyone was ready for me. And by that, I mean no one answered my calls, except for Deokho. Good job Deokho.

Commax hates racism. Commax hates it with a passion. The only person who probably hates racism more than me is Batman. Batman hates everything. That being said, I've created a list of everything that is racist. Here it is:

Dolphins

helicopters

oak trees

vampire bunnies

XBox 360

hurricanes (according to Louis Farakahn, Hurricane Katrina was a ploy by the government to destroy New Orleans' black population)

tornadoes (why do they only attack trailer parks? RACIST)

Tsunamis (Leave Asia alone fucking racist water)

Right-handed scissors

sock puppets

Adolescent Radioactive Karate Hamsters

harmless robots

diet soda

hard erasers that don't erase good

reverse vampires

Strawberry Kool-Aid

spaceships

Yeah, that's about it. I'm bored. Have a wonderful day.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 00:19:34 GMT

Ha Ha Ha! The joke is on you. This whole "my cell phone plan is expiring" thing was a lie. My cell is still going strong. The part about me having thousands of unused minutes is true. Now why would I commit all of this deceit? Simple. I wanted you all to be off guard when I made my prank calls.

Yesterday I had a good time making prank calls. I suspect that I was the only one who enjoyed it. Man you guys are no fun, except for Julieto. He's the only one who didn't get bent out of shape because of the prank. My friend Erica got all pissed and threatened to fuck me up. But it's cool because she doesn't know it was me who pranked her. It took her nine minutes to realize that it was a prank call. Shit, I was running out of material too. I pranked one of my co-workers. Her English isn't perfect, so she really didn't know what was going on. Then her boyfriend called me and he probably wants to kick my ass now. Some of bums didn't have the courtesy to pick up the phone when I called. Luckily, I'm a gentleman, so I don't leave prank messages. What sucked the most is that I had to go back and apologize to the people I pranked. I totally learned something from this. That lesson is to never use your cell phone when you're prank calling others. Well actually I didn't learn that because no one really knew it was me. I used a bad Ms. Moneypenny accent. In leiu of this disappointment, I've decided to display some highlights of my pranking:

Commax: Have you had homosexual relations within the past 12 months?

Julieto: Yeah. Everyday man.

__________________________________

Commax: Where do you do your grocery shopping?

Erica: Save-A-Lot.

Commax: You mean that ghetto ass shopping dump?

__________________________________

Erica: I'm gonna fuck up whoever this is.

Commax: No thanks. I'm already in a relationship. But thanks for the offer.

__________________________________

Commax: Are you literate?

Julieto: No.

Commax: Would you like to purchase a Time Magazine subscription?

Julieto: I told you I can't read.

Commax: Would you like to get the magazine so you can look at the pictures?

Julieto: Okay.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 16:36:49 GMT

Well guys, my cell phone plan has expired. I'd like to thank you all for nothing! Well, Andy did give me his number, but I didn't read it until today because I don't check my gmail like I should. As of this month's bill I have 4,242 rollover minutes, 4,924 nights and weekends, 1000 text messages, and none will ever be available to me again. The longest conversation I had this month was with a telemarketer and that was 30 minutes. Then I had a four minute conversation with Deokho, followed by a 1:24 with Luke. Probably should've called David, but he's only available on Thursdays, and that's my designated "do homework day." I don't do school work any other day of the week because I'm a gangsta. Yep, I'm just babbling now. I hope to have some real material next week. Thanks and smell you later.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 16:12:38 GMT

Man I got up this morning and I beat my dick something awful. Here's an excerpt of the dialect I exchanged with my testicles:

Commax: Get up! Right now.

Commax's Penis: ...

Commax: Stand up punk. You're about to get the beating of your life.

Commax's Penis: ...

*Commax begins masterbating*

Commax: What now? What now? How you like that huh?

Commax's Penis: ...

Commax: Yeah boy! What's my name bitch? What's my fucking name?

Commax's Penis: ...

Commax: Oh...Oh yes! Don't stop, don't ever ssstooppp... Oh snap!

*Ejackulation complete*

Commax: Time to brush my teeth and get ready for school.

Yep, I got nothing interesting to talk about. Well, Dick Chaney shot a dude. I'm working on a piece about that, but I need to gather some more evidence. Later.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 16:03:44 GMT

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 18:52:27 GMT

Karma is a bitch. Yesterday at work, I randomly gave the finger to two of my co-workers for fun on the way to the restroom. Then I opened up the restroom door and walked in on a dude taking a piss. I guess I got what I deserved.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 14:20:53 GMT

Man, I have so much stuff I want to talk about. I can't possibly fit it all into one xanga post. I'll write what I can. Whatever I leave out, you can hear about on the Commax hotline at (301) 219-6408!

I told you all that the government is watching me. Yesterday at work, another soldier came. This time it was a chick. I've never met her, but she seemed to recognize me. She knows that I go to Bowie. In fact, she goes there too. See now they're planting these agents all around me. I predict that they'll be going in for the kill pretty soon. Damn, I just forgot all of the other stuff I was going to say. I can't find my notes, so I guess I'll have to end this one early. But for the full scoop, hit me at (301) 219-6408! I'm serious bitches. I need to kill these minutes fast. Or give me your number and I'll hit you up. If you're concerned about privacy, email it at captaincommax@netscape.net or ksbell@gmail.com

Laters...

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 13:55:51 GMT

My cell phone contract expires sometime this month. At the moment I have 4,237 unused anytime minutes. If I don't use them up, I'm going to lose them. I didn't spend hundreds of dollars on this contract just to lose the minutes I've earned. Therefore, I'm calling everyone I know in hopes of using up these minutes. If you're not doing anything, then call me up and we can kill 4,237 minutes. Hell, I'll even make long distance and international calls. No matter where you are, if you want to chat, leave your number and I'll call you. Snootch to the nootch.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 13:53:42 GMT

Okay, Silver Spring officially sucks. That's not to say that it hasn't sucked in the past. But it really sucks now. Downtown Silver Spring rocks, but the rest of the city sucks. Allow me to explain...

First off, there's cops everywhere. I can't even drive down the street without seeing the boys in blue. Everyday, people are getting pulled over. My mom got pulled over and received $500 in ticket fines. She has to go to court to fight the charges. Hopefully the cop doesn't show up. Cops make me nervous. They're always around when there's danger. So if there's a bunch of them, then something big must be going down. I miss Beltsville. You almost never any cops there, not even at the police station.

Next, there's the Bible Thumpers. I've been trying to lay off of religion in my posts because some of you might take offense, but I have to talk about it this time. Stupid Jehovah Witnesses came knocking at my door. Those bastards woke me up just to talk about the lord. That pissed me off because I was having an awesome dream about titties. It's not often that I dream about titties, but when I do I like to cherish those moments. And those Jehovah Witnesses stole that from me. They kept talking and I tried to give myself a heart attack, but to no avail. They didn't care that I wasn't interested. The first thing that the dude said was "Do you believe in angels on Earth?" I was like "No." Obviously he didn't catch the hint, so he kept going on and on about he was quizzing people about the Bible. He bragged that some nuns didn't know about the Bible. Wow, there are some nuns that don't know the Bible word for word. Nevermind the fact that there are several different versions of the Bible or that nuns are Catholic and he's quizzing them on a Protestant variant. Then that bastard had a gold tooth. Commax doesn't trust people with gold teeth. There's something about a gold tooth that does not bode well with me. Platinum teeth are okay, but gold makes me suspicious. They gave me some pamplet to read about angels. They wanted my phone number so they could call and quiz me. I tried to give them Deokho's number, but I couldn't remember it so I made up a number. After they left I tossed the literature in the trash and went back to sleep. Unfortunately, I couldn't dream of titties.

Hmm...Saw the history channel. Turns out that the Holy Grail wasn't a goblet, but a woman. A prostitute to be exact. And this prostitute was Jesus' woman. They had a daughter together. Jesus actually got some action. All this time I thought he might have been gay, not that there's anything wrong with that.